I don’t know where to start so please bear with me. I am 32 years of age and met a special guy. Everything was perfect for 2 months despite our little disagreement.
Fast forward up until these last three days things were rocky. I have shyed away from him for pressuring me all the time. He always put me down, I needed mental space. He always made me depressed. I am exhausted.
This is no way forward for a loving relationship. I feel very on my own now needing some comfort.
I have been contemplating an answer/response for a few hours and still I am a little unsure how to write this, so in the first instance I want to say that the information I write from here on in is written with respect and not judgement. Some of the questions may seem insensitive, that is NOT my intent. Domestic situations can be difficult for anybody, but to adding a brain injury to it can be a mine field, especially for you. So please DO NOT take any of my statements as insulting, belittling or degrading. Although I do not know you personally I do have some knowledge around your situation which may be of assistance.
OK, that said, here it is:
A large part of a relationship is understanding, comprehension of the other persons abilities and weaknesses. Part of that is an acceptance of the others shortcomings and believe me, we ALL have shortcomings. That includes people without brain injuries.
I understand that you consider this person “a special guy” can I ask why?
What makes him special to you?
I know the pressures that can arise for you as a person with a brain injury, but every injury is different. For example a large part of my impairment is memory, my memory used to be fantastic. That’s gone. when I get stressed, whether that’s tired or emotional stress, I seem to lose words, then get frustrated because I can’t express myself the way I want. Physically I used to be able to go at life full on, everyday, but now my stamina is shot. Some days I might get 8hrs done, other days I’m lucky to get 2hrs clear and this adds to my frustration.
How do you see your injury affecting you?
It can take (Excuse me for saying this) a hell of a lot for others outside of the brain injury experience to EVER fully understand a brain injury. It’s often hard enough for us to learn and manage our predicament, so for others outside it’s near on impossible. Some people think a BI is like a broken bone that heals in 8 weeks. But our injuries just don’t, some symptoms fluctuate from hour to hour, this can be difficult to grasp. We don’t have a ‘set’ group of symptoms. I’m never sure what symptoms, other than a headache, I’m definitely going to have. I can be fine in the morning, leave home drive for an hour, then become symptomatic, unable to drive myself home and some people just don’t understand why. I can be in a meeting and lose track of my thoughts, my speech, my language etc trying to explain it to anyone logically is impossible. I have even been accused of being under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Have you ever sat down with him and had a genuine conversation with him on just how your injury affects you? And to add to that conversation, how his negative judgement affects you.
He may not be aware of the impact on you. He may need to be informed. Being a male myself I can be a little pigheaded and not see things right in front of me, things that others may seem obvious and sometimes I need to be told, gently.
Look, I’m going to leave these questions with you. I do hope, pray, beg that you can look at these questions in a constructive way, they are by no means asked as a criticism, but more thought provoking. I’m here fairly regularly so if you want to correspond, please do. You could send me a msg if you wish.
I do hope you find some idea of peace either with or without this person.
I am sorry for your heart ache and maybe you feel painfully self-conscious. It appears you feel uncomfortable and possibly confused about your feelings. The silence in the aloneness may make your emotions feel out of balance. You may feel hypersensitive from this and from my experience this is not uncommon with a head injury. When the brain is damaged, for me, it made my emotions out of balance and I would get caught in emotional reactions. I would feel pathetic and rightfully rejected by everyone. Then I would get caught in the grip of negative thoughts and my emotions became delusional, with no ray of hope. I do not feel this directly in you, yet I do feel a woundedness from him and him making you overly aware of inner deficiency.
Because he is not offering you respect this early in your relationship it seems he is not the right person for you. Because he is making you feel deficient it appears he is confused and contradictory about himself. Your disability appears to be creating a tension between him and you, which to me communicates his own disability. It appears he is being guarded and evasive because he cannot deal with this tension in himself. Therefore, his pride is talking, which puts you down and builds himself up.
Pride is denial and most men are deeply sick with it. The vainglory men project, especially within male and female relationships, is astounding. From my experience, as a male, pride is this inability to admit I am hurting inside. It felt like I had to strong arm people around and living in this exploding rage to get my way. The violence within me would avalanche within, exploding violence, and then I wanted retaliation. Then my pride would defy guilt feelings so I did not have to modify my behavior.
Pride can lead to emotional abuse and physical abuse from men. So I recommend you tell yourself this man no longer belongs to you and you no longer belong to him. He does not appear to be respecting your integrity nor able to maintain his own. So for this day take this relationship as a learning experience, shake your head in the amusement of the experience, and maybe consider letting yourself be free.
I believe in you Danielle and in this moment all is well.
PS: Oh yes, feeling overwhelmed may feel like being violated ---- and may your awareness restore respect within you.
Seenie here from Moderator Support. I’m one of three people who keep an eye on Ben’s Friends thirty communities, and most days I drop in here to see that everything’s OK. I don’t usually get involved in conversations, but I do want to empathize with you. You are going through some tough emotional times, but what stands out for me in your posts is that you have this thing figured out! You know what is best for you, and this other person isn’t in that category.
Some times I think I am better off on a mental ward.
I think not! You may have suffered a brain injury, but your head is still level and screwed on the right way. You are an articulate and thoughtful person, with good self-knowledge, and you are very much a someone.
The big problem you have described so well isn’t you, and you know that. You have explained the situation very well to us, and you know what you need to do. You go, girl!
We’re here any time you need people to listen. That’s what we do for each other.
Im so sorry for all your pain!..but I was locked up once in a mental ward “to help me”…I got out and vowed to myself NEVER AGAIN!..Its brutal and no one cares…We care about you, and want the best for you…I hope you can find some hope and a better outlook.
We all understand how dam hard this whole TBI thing is…WE ARE NOT CRAZY, we are injured, and to me that is huge…
Please take care WE ALL LOVE YOU!
You need someone that understands what you have to deal with or no one at all. I am male but in the same boat as you. I find a lady every few years but it turns out the same way because of my physical limitations which very from day to day. I hunt and fish and represent my cabin tract to a much larger group and am involved in fire prevention on Forest Service land but I have to do these things on a daily basis as my body allows. It seems to me that he does/did not understand what your brain injury did to you. Just because he did not understand and could not give you the support when you needed it does not mean that you should give up on love or life. You just need to look and keep on looking elsewhare. Do you have a support group? I have several that I use when I need to. It could well be that someone in the support group or someone like myself that has had a TBI for deckades might be who you are looking for BUT you will never find out unless you keep looking.
Thank you for being direct with me and yes it does appear you are grieving deeply. Grief seems to make it impossible to get the creative juices flowing again and you may feel exerting yourself in any way extraordinarily difficult. You may feel you simply cannot bring yourself to get involved with anything. And yes, he goes on while you feel alienated and depressed. You may feel terribly confused and racked with self-doubt, because you express: “Seeing a life forward is bleak. I dislike waking up it’s that bad.” Yes and yes again Danielle, it appears you do not want to hurt anymore. Maybe you feel defeated by life and see no way of coming to life again. It feels like you are experiencing utter hopelessness, as you express: “Cannot bear this any more.” Your last two lines appear intense, as you express: “My responsibilities are not important any more. My dreams and hopes cannot be asked no more.”
You may feel the inner light is going out and yet I also feel your deep courage to express yourself effectively here. Your words appear intense and your depth of feelings are touching, as if this is the authentic thing to do. It seems to me Danielle, you are not just concerned with being true to yourself as an individual, but your need to express your own individual consciousness. Your words and your depth expresses your existence as an individual. This is touching as you appear not afraid what your feelings are telling you.
I not sure how to tell you this, but this inner strength to feel feelings is beyond most of the human race. Most people close down from feelings in order to function, and yet it is your depth to feel that appears to be the note echoing on your soul. This note appears to be what transforms your life into something higher. My experience of your note on your soul is this good and the beautiful within you. This note on your soul appears to have a deep strength and appears just beyond you and yet still part of you.
Danielle, you appear to be the kind person nothing is lost because of your quality and your depth. Truly you are something worthwhile and valuable because I feel the tremendous support of your soul. By soul I mean your inner depths, the richness and delightfulness to embrace life without being “storm-tossed”.
We need your strength Danielle and thank you for your feelings and your depths of being you. Your quality is with hidden depths and I draw inspiration from you. You are deeply appreciated.
Thank you so much Syd for your reply, I read all the way through feeling your expressions.
I will do my best to reach for my goals making me even more determined when upset. Looking upon like a life lesson.
Some times when very upset with depression, I think my world is over. Forgetting completely about my little accomplishments made so far.
Seeing change in my life is miminal, I know it will take some time but will keep having faith and seeing the end goal for comfort. I just need to keep on doing things that will bring me to my goal grabbing it with both hands.
I am typing out a great inspirational, I made note of from Lisa Nicholes. I am going to implement it in to my life soon.