I had always wondered why it was my emotions are the way they are. When I first learned of TBIs for my grandfather, I was shocked by how many of the symptoms and ticks explained so much of my behavior. Thankfully i had already started to accept myself for the way I am, but it was nice to have a reason. Emotionally I never have fallen under the range of normal. Over time my rage, and anger have lessened. I still find things funny that aren't. I love to hard and when I don't care, people don't even register existence to me. Does any one else still deal with such things? Overwhelming difficulty attaching to new people, flinching from human contact, feeling physically ill at the idea of touching... It has always been so hard. The flop of feeling utterly devoid of emotion to suddenly bursting at the seems! When I was younger and battling depression, I contemplated suicide so many times. Why bother with life when I don't feel? Why suffer through this pain because I care so much? It hurts so bad when you have such exaggerated feelings and they aren't returned. Like ripping out your insides and rubbing lemon, salt water on the exposed flesh. I still deal with depression over this, because it varies person to person. I have friends who care so much about me, but I think about how I feel and it is just an eh... Yeah, I enjoy them a lot.Then the feeling of guilt because I should care more than I actually do. Going to be 30 soon and this has always been my life. People can be important to me, but I feel no emotions about them. It would be a bummer and a hole if they left, but there would be no tears. It seems that with age I have withdrawn even more emotionally, while at the same time I have become able to attach even more to a certain few. The love I hold it hurts me. Truly it would be easier if I didn't love. I still wish that I didn't and could just float through life. Utilizing the skills of mimicking appropriate emotional responses. No, here I am. Basically bi-polar in feelings. Manically so. Please tell me I am not the only one who suffers with this...
I am fighting depression right now as I type...Been cloudy for 2 days, now day 3 rain....Havent gone out of the house since Saturday, now its late Thursday...
My shrink changed my time today...well that has put me over the top!
I will go to bed early and hope tomorrow is a better day....
Its not bi polar in my view, its just the natural "over" reaction that is a side effect of our injury's...
I have met a few people in the last few years, what they say, do and act....I say...who has a brain injury?
I find happiness from time to time, but only when I keep things simple and keep a distance from the "real world" as they don't understand or even care to try and understand...
I wish the best for you, ever board just drop me a line....Due take care of yourself because we all care...
Yeah, I did the distance thing for a while. I like still having people and I fell in love. Dumb... It is hard to attach when this difficulty with dealing with the up and downs in our own special TBI way when they don't understand. Or care to. What is worse is when they pretend to care to learn but nothing comes of it. Keep getting my hopes up with people in general... Need to stop having faith in them.