I don't enjoy anything anymore

General
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I used to be spiritual I’m not anymore because I no longer hallucinate:-) so I don’t believe in things like magic anymore

I used to be artistic books I do not enjoy writing stories or drawing anymore

I most of all Miss where I used to live. I can’t live there anymore because you have to be strong to live there, but it was a place that was warm year-round and I could go for very long exploratory walks. I had nature all around me to do whatever I want with, to sit and enjoy, to be crafty with, to fantasize about

It was a very liberal area. Now I live in a very conservative area with a cold climate where I’m stuck inside a lot of the time.

When I grew up in this cold climate I was strong enough to walk around a ride my bike around but now after my brain injury I can’t handle doing that anymore and it’s driving me crazy to rely on this taxi for rides that takes half an hour to even get here that’s at. For me half an hour can feel like half my day I have little energy SO waiting for a ride can be unbearable because I don’t get to wait in my apartment I have to wait downstairs by the door where I’m very uncomfortable.

I can’t make friends with people vet I enjoy being around anymore. People are just different around here. I’m Different 2 I’m so weak and limited I easily panic I’m usually too tired I can’t understand people for very long. Most of all I need a boyfriend and men who seem interested in me never call me back. I’m dying of boredom and loneliness. I want to be creative and play with people and I can’t find anyone like that. It’s rather like part of me is a child but part of me is like a wise woman I just can’t find what I need and I am very unhappy

I miss when I was independent and I could just go and do something and see something new

Are used to live in community and I loved it because I was around like-minded people. Now that wouldn’t work anymore cuz I need quiet most of the time and to be completely alone.

If I’m magically had good friends to have fun with and to be creative with I think I would be happy but it’s impossible to find these people anymore.

Any advice? I want to find creative fun-loving people who are very kind and who are my age. I’m 32.

I’ve tried making friends with some older people and we’re just not compatible at all.

I used to be around hippies in Hawaii and I felt very compatible with them because they would just work a little bit because they lived very simply and then they had a lot of free time to go for walks and explore the jungle or talk about spiritual things and I’m not into spiritual things anymore I used to love it when I was but I couldn’t go back to Hawaii and be friends with them anymore a lot of them are drug addicts and I don’t want to be around drug addicts.
Where can I find kind creative open-minded people with a lot of time? No where around here that’s for sure. And this small conservative Town everyone is busy with their families or their jobs. I feel like an alien

Sorry I use voice to text and I can’t fix all those typos I’m too tired

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All good points I can completely relate to you!
Sounded like you were forced to move?
I was in the cold dreary Midwest, as soon as I could I moved to a sunnier location and a bit warmer…
My I suggest for more like minded people, a simple yoga class?..Learn meditation…I will garrenty those people are down to earth and easy to get along with…
The world is upside down, now the truth is lies…Yes you need to feel safe, and have people you can relate to…Human communication is VERY important…
Funny you use the words hippies…lol…Have alot around here…Hipsters, hippies? what ever you call them…New agers?

Please dont give up, but you will have to try to improve your situation on your own…Its not easy to start, but in time its worth it!

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LeilAloha,

This is a good writing and I appreciate you expressing how you appear to feel alienated from yourself and others. You express, “I’m dying of boredom and loneliness. I want to be creative and play with people and I can’t find anyone like that. It’s rather like part of me is a child but part of me is like a wise woman I just can’t find what I need and I am very unhappy.” I feel in your words this sense of inner darkness, possibly opening up inside into a black hole and the hole is draining whatever life you have out. From my experience, the difficulty with this black hole is the powerlessness within this hole. It can make me feel extremely distraught, hopelessness, and then I am unable to shake myself from it. At times it will cause me to sit in darkness, alone for hours, barely breathing, and violently tormented.

This deep sense of hopelessness/powerlessness can create a painful self-consciousness for me and my anger will just burn. Hopelessness will plague for days and the real torment sets in when the whole of life is this an unbearable reminder of my alienation from it. This despair will make me want to embrace death as a final solution to my ongoing problem with life. And because everything seems dry and cold my instincts will want me to lose myself in sexual fantasies and erotic daydreams. These fantasies seems to be a symbol of my ingrown way of life, which then creates another feeling of losing my hopes and dreams.

For me, escaping my intense mental suffering is no simple on-off switch. Instead, I will go around in self-enclosed circles, becoming aware of who I am not rather than who I am. Naturally, this is not a satisfying way to live and for me it can cause me to continue to withdraw, like I am wounded and bleeding to death. And just like you are writing it takes deep courage to express myself and to express my emotional immaturity. And yet I also believe there is message in a bottle washing up on shore of our consciousness here for both of us and it is awareness.

For me awareness is tricky because if I become to overly self-aware this is when feelings of distance and hopelessness sets in. Yet if I can just rest in awareness, without dividing myself into judging and judged parts, then this raw material seems to filter through the unconscious more freely. If I can just be aware the unconscious seems able to bring good out of evil, hope from hopelessness, meaning from absurdity, and appears to save what is lost. I write this because I feel in you this ability to listen to your inner voice of the unconscious and at the same time be open to your environment. This unconsciousness can be awareness as an act within itself and if it can be without self-consciousness it then can be a work of art.

Awareness, from my experience, offers a meaning beyond and sometimes it will move beyond what I intended to create. It takes a gentle opening to listen to this inner voice, like listening to water running across rocks in a creek. This awareness seems to fall into the sound, lose the self-consciousness, and becomes the act itself, flowing water. If feeling alienated from life and others is the problem, where it makes you feel distance from your environment, maybe simply listen to your inner voice of awareness. Gradually, with training, listening to your unconscious with a simple awareness I believe will become your light. I believe this feeling alienated will gradually become a rich part of your consciousness.

Be aware and listen to your creative flow, simply rest there, and maybe this can offer you this constant support and reinforcement you are seeking. Also this is no concept or belief here, as it is just the direct experience of becoming aware and allows your human nature to partake in life just as you are.

I believe in you, the good and the beautiful you bring to the world, and thank you for your significant presence.

PS: After writing this I am aware of feelings which are difficult to identify and resolve. Some ways my feelings are unseemly and unflattering and yet it is people like you LeilAloha who allow me to be real. I do not think it is merely incidental that you communicate your limitations, which help me touch my limitations. Limitations maybe after all is the starting point which makes everything else possible. We are simply limited human beings who want to be authentic, nothing less and nothing more. Maybe this simple realness is our limitation and yet it is also the firm foundation to build upon. The real is becoming real to ourselves, after all, is simply your value to all of us. Thank you!!!

PSS: Maybe mediation allows the unconsciousness to filter this raw material that davOD is writing about. There appears a flowing creek in davOD and he appears to have vision beyond himself. Anyway, I just wanted to high light his meditation thought and I do not have sufficient intelligence to understand it. I just feel a deep truth from him and maybe mediation is where the glories and horrors of life is filtered through the unconscious. He offers me unfailing insight and I hope it does for you too.

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LeilAloha,

I want to build upon your time in Hawaii, where you took walks in nature and to me this provided you awareness I am writing about. Back then you may remember yourself being a part of nature and nature’s ways. It may have offered you an acceptance and helped you feel a part of the way things are. It could have resembled someone riding a bicycle on a beautiful day and just enjoying the flow of the experience. The whole picture is pleasant, just as Hawaii was for you. This experience seems to touch you in profound ways. There is a certain awareness offered to you here, rich, delightful and beautiful. Your soul, the deepest part of you, can offer this place to you once again. It is simply learning to rest in your awareness and gradually your soul’s awareness will become a part of you. So I suggest you meditate on these meaningful memories you had in Hawaii and possibly this will help you find peace knowing your soul can transform every experience into something beautiful and valuable.

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Hi LeilAloha. You asked for any advice so here goes. First, if you want that then you should have that. Second, you can’t get that where you live. Can you move? Can you get it online? Can you get a ride to another city and stay there over the weekend for socializing events? Can you find a life coach and friend? Can you find a pen pal to write or call? Can you Skype with people? You are pretty smart so you probably thought of all this already! Anyway that is where I would start and then see where to go from there. Third, there is no user manual or guide for all of this and I certainly don’t know exactly how it is for you but reaching out here helped me a lot and maybe it will help you. At the very least you will hopefully find like minded people around here. Fourth, meditation doesn’t require a single ounce of understanding. Just breathe in feeling the coolness of the air touching the tip of your nose and breathing out feeling the warmth of the air touching the tip of your nose. That is all there is to it. Have a great rest of the day.

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I have no advice but i do feel like you do.

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…

Life is very hard, and I understand you would much rather surround yourself not only with like minded people…But more understanding people who believe that peace and love are a better way to live…
I really dont think anyone could argue that much with the thinking…
It has been proven that being positive is better for healing overall…

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Meetup.com has tons of social groups where you will be accepted exactly as you are and there are many types of groups. Try them.

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Hi LeilAloha,

Its incredibly uncanny how everything you mentioned I can relate to. Same age, same interests in life that have just been trampled on. I hope things are looking up for you…

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Thanks for caring, I’m doing a little better by making YouTube videos to feel valuable and get feelings out and it’s kind of creative, and I’ve been a little creative again now that I’m off of Risperidone. And I meditate or just have what I need to be entertained on my tablet while I’m waiting for the taxi but most of all I’m better at communicating and saying what I need and only asking when I really need something of family. I’m very grateful I have help sometimes even though they’re getting old:-)

I wonder why you say truth is lies? I think I know what you mean, maybe you are just frustrated with the way the world seems to promise certain things and then you don’t get them. But tell me all about it if you’d like? Maybe I can be of help:-)

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Dear Syd,
Thank you!

The time and energy you have put into that post, wow, are you an earth sign? Like a Virgo or a Capricorn I think or a Taurus? You are so logical in the way that you think :slight_smile: it’s awesome cuz I’m a Pisces and I’m so feeling and emotional in the way I think, but I sure love exercising my logical abilities :slight_smile: but I just don’t have tons of energy to work that way, hehe!

I’m very happy that me sharing my emotions helped you feel safe enough to share your emotions <3

And if you see my recent post cuz I’m a too tired now to type it and think of what I said, I explain why I’m doing better but thanks for caring sorry it took me so long to read this message. I’m still perfecting learning like how to even use this message board hehe

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Whew, you talk my favorite way that people talk Sid, it’s so efficient. You say many things in Little Words that are almost Victorian. I wish I had caffeine enough to quickly read and understand them the way I used to :slight_smile: now with my usual brain energy I tend to need to read more childlike emotional writing :slight_smile: I’ll bet you would love reading about brainwave States
Anyway, I found help feeling like I’m in nature by using the virtual world Second Life, where you make an avatar to look however you want to look, and you can go infinite places and walk around and sometimes even meet nice people who usually are disable too :slight_smile: you just have to be careful cuz there are a lot of trolls and socially retarded socially awkward people who just don’t know anything but abuse so they try to abused other people but they can’t physically hurt you you just like don’t want to open any objects random people give you or it can steal your identity or break your computer period usually the worst they do is spam the world with noise and text so that you can’t function so you just have to teleport away :slight_smile: it’s mostly a really fun safe place but you can create your own worlds there it’s what I love most about it :slight_smile: my favorite place is called Shambhala and there are meditative Gatherings every morning with other real people but you just see their avatars but it can be really fun some of them look fantastical
Thanks for your caring I hope you are well:-) are you the Sid that declared me Kama Aina?

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Thanks occipital!
I’ve looked into some of those things and I’m less able to get out in the world and cuz of the small-town a lot of things aren’t available but more often I do just slow down and enjoy being brave enough to talk to people on Facebook Messenger for example and that’s rewarding :slight_smile: when I’m lonely or are you second life which you can read more about in a reply I made to Sid I’ll bet you would like trying it too :blush:

Want to help me make a brain injury instruction manual? :grin:
With all my journaling combined with posts here and on Facebook and other places YouTube or whatever, I have a lot of experience and advice to share already it’s just a lot of work to put it into a book! I’d pay you half the profits

Do you

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Hope replies: mine n other ppls heops

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Thanks everyone. Want to address all your names Natasha I forgot the rest but let’s make a meet up in Black River Falls Wisconsin :slight_smile: there are no meetups here let’s make a brain injury meet up here :slight_smile: but that’s probably too inconvenient or impossible for you guys to physically come here if you’re like me with chronic fatigue and motion sickness and excruciating pain
Anyway maybe we can all talk on Google Hangouts sometime? I’ve had too many problems with Skype with it being hacked into or just too hard to use I like Google Hangouts

Like every Sunday or something we could all chat just for fun or whatever, want to try it?

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Thank you LeilAloha for your business opportunity I won’t hesitate to reach out :).

Consider zoom.com for online meetings. It works well for up to 15 people. It is the real deal.

FWIW I’m in Milwaukee, WI, USA, but with an online group anybody can meet from anywhere.