My Dad passed away on September 27th, at age 85, as the cancer finally took his life. He was an extremely macho, a man’s man, and he was boastful and arrogant. He was the master of his castle and he made everyone aware that others were present to serve his needs, and not the other way around. Because he ordered people around, belligerent and strong-arming people, even exploding into rage if people did not carry out his orders, this did force me into a strong-will. However, my strong-will became pride, just like my Dad, which did give me this ability to get things done. My pride became this power and his death is now forcing me to face this pride. It even seems most of my exploding rage is because my pride has been hurt and I have lived in an avalanche of rage defending my pride more than my “good”. I will admit my pride is more of a delusional idea about myself, more about building up my self-image, than recognizing humility. Because he is gone my pride is dying, maybe a real “good” and yet it feels like an inner light is going out.
Why is my pride a matter of life and death? What is the emotional balance here without exercising to much prideful power or being inadequate or being defective?
Thanks everyone for the significance of your presence and your helpfulness.
TBI aside, when my Dad died, it seemed like for the first time I had to be strong for myself. I realized although I never thought about it when I was young but part of me or the little boy inside of me was still trying to be strong or stand up to lifes storms to show my dad I could. Don’t know if that helps, I do know that I struggle with pride after my tbi not sure how to feel proud when I struggle to talk or do the simplest of things some days. Good Luck and I am sorry bout your Dad loosing his life.
John, you express “… I do know that I struggle with pride after my tbi not sure how to feel proud when I struggle to talk or do the simplest of things some days.” I kept my TBI hidden behind pride and a means of survival. It created this driving determination and hidden within this drive was lots of rage. I now feel like my pride was denial, tune out from my mental problems, and just push forward. Yet for some unknown reason with Dad dying I feel my pride/denial is dying. It is like a paradox of dying and living, which is something beyond what I intended to create.
In a special way, thanks for you consolation John, though, I never had a relationship with this guy, my father. Being “told” who I was not by him maybe after all created a hidden depths. It is like a new awareness now and pride is not working to prove myself or refusing to see my mental problems. My burning fire is going out or my rage is dying.
After losing your Father I am pleased you could find your king within you and he could be the director of your warrior. From this you appear to communicate a realistic courage and support.
Also in my writing before I was not clear about his pride and mine, TBI, and it seems more clear now … thanks for helping me.