My biggest regret or frustration from my TBI is raising my son-not as the man I was before my accident but the person I am now. Example 1, last night my son had a basketball game and I wait outside till the game starts so I am not asked to run the scoreboard. I have tried to raise my son not to run from his fears-so what kind of example am I setting? 2, I don’t work much, my Dad worked 2-jobs and worked on the house when he wasn’t at work-again what example am I setting. 3, I don’t trust my thoughts because what seems definite in this moment may not be 5 minutes from now, so I don’t lead him with confidence. I was successful in business before my accident, Id like to think I was a good public speaker now most of my day is spent trying to find the words needed to express my thoughts (which are constantly changing). Not often now that I am older but I lost my temper with him for reasons that made no sense a couple of times. I have often told him to look beyond what he see’s because there is so much more inside of him then what he see’s when he looks at me. But I cant help but think he would look at himself differently if thing were not as they are. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT
I went through this with my girl!!!..There is no reason you have to run the clock…You need to be honest to the person running things…I have a very hard time at any event and thats with ear protection on!
I wish you were a bit easier on youself, you are not alone…This is NOT easy!..Do your best be honest to your son, and the people that matter…Do not let you ego or you “manlyness” get in the way…If you need help, ask…This is hard…Most people cant even imagine the shit we have to deal with 24/7!
I hope things get better for you, I realy do!
Thanx Davo for your response guess I got to keep things in perspective.
Take care
Keeping things in perspective sounds fairly simple eh? But it ain’t. We naturally compare things, we all do it, but for us managing a BI we seem to compare before and after, when in reality the comparison is unfair on ourselves. I can say this here and now, but I still do exactly the same thing. ie I could before, why the hell can’t I now. Even years on I still ‘try’ to do as before, when in the back of my head I know (Well, I should know) that I can’t. davOD calls it ‘manlyness’ or ‘ego’ but for me I spose it’s self expectation. I had to get to a point of some sort of acceptance, some days that acceptance is easy other days it’s a battle. As davOD has said it’s about honesty. Not just with your son but also with self. I found that honesty very deflating, but a reality none the less. I simply can’t do as before.
You ask what example are you setting. I can tell you this. The easiest thing to do is to give up, many people do. They isolate themselves and blame the world for their predicament, what I call the ‘poor me’s’ and that is not a good example to be passing on. You are not giving up, you are still participating, being involved with your son. You don’t say how old your son is and this would make a difference in how you explain your situation to him in a way he may comprehend, but a level of honesty is a must. He will respect you a lot more if you are upfront and honest rather than trying to hide the reality of it. It takes a strong man to admit his limitations. You are limited by injury, not by choice. Acknowledging this fact can show your son that despite your injury, you are trying and you’re not giving up. Giving up is easy, persevering takes real strength, not braun, but an inner strength to continue. Many ‘manly’ men simply don’t have that strength and when faced with such adversity they do ‘give up’ and you haven’t. Pass that strength, knowledge and adaptability on to your son and you will have given him the ability to conquer any challenge life throws at him. And that is being the best parent you can be.
Merl
Thank you, Meri! I did tell my son about my injury when he was around 9 years old cause I could not throw a football as far as needed as he grew and it became noticeable. So after a lot of thought as I said I sat him down and explained this to him. I hope your right and he does get that you cant give up in this life. Ive told him you take what you have and always do the best you can. Right now hes a teenager and some days you wonder if he even likes you LoL But thanks for your kind words! as I’m sure you know with a TBI you can think things thru and forget your plan 5 minutes later and go in a different direction. So sometimes someone can help kieep you on track. Thanks again Davod and Meri
Johncaelen,
You wrote about losing your temper with your son. For me, the hardest life circumstance to face is being a failure: mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and just losing this sense of purpose. I am made to achieve and to accomplish, to have a successful career and presenting myself favorably, achieving goals and having a role in life. I can even remember when I was fifteen years old I said to myself if I no longer had a purpose I would commit suicide. This thought came from my shadow of not being a failure. It created this determination to never fail as a teenager and to never fail when I got older. I suspect we all have this shadow on not wanting to be a failure, so here we are now facing this failure of our brain and our own body.
Because I experience daily failure, and I have even been told I never did amount to much, this creates this intense mind within me. My mind will feel like an intense stream of water from a fire hose, holding back a crowd, and the intensity of my mind will become overheated and it will erupt in aggressive impulses. This rage is my way of not being influenced by anyone and my way of repelling this sense of failure. I will rant and I will rave when I feel like a failure or I feel “nothingness.” It will fill my mind with hatred. I will then feel obsessed with not being a failure, obsessed with my aggression and then I am unable to act on anything because I fear the consequences.
Failure (the shadow) makes us feel nothing is true or valuable to believe in. It can create a sense of powerlessness and insecurity. And this can get dark, which can create an attraction to the darkness, for me. So a suggestion, if you feel your shadow of being a certain failure, is to offer yourself non-attachment. Nonattachment is not emotional detachment, which is what I have done, as more so non-attachment is a radical acceptance of life. It is the quality of not clinging to anything, inner or outer. There is no clinging to the endless activity of the mind, as a source of identity and orientation to the world. Non-attachment is not based on anything, therefore, failure or nothingness does not affect us. Nonattachment takes away this feeling of being a misfit, which can create powerlessness and hopelessness, and nonattachment allows the mind to be clear.
Your son, I suspect is dealing with his shadow at a profound level and naturally you do not want to fail him. So maybe you can practice nonattachment, within your sense of failure, to teach your son how to live with with failure and be non-attached to it. Non-attachment will create this deep compassion. Also I am not sure why but non-attachment seems to help create compassion, like a serenity to accept, and yet it is for you and then given to others. Your son needs this from you and do not concern yourself with missing the mark, just provide him the key to understand failure is a part of life and wholeness is allowing everything to pass through where nothing sticks in the consciousness. It will offer brilliant clarity for you and your son, and it may even offer this place where the opposites become funny and deeply touching.
Also I do not think you should try to explain the shadow to him, as it is complex and involved enough for him. Just communicate this penetrating clarity of being a failure and you are secure enough that he observes your sense of humor and maturity of being well disposed with failure. Nonattachment is teaching him and yourself to be secure and make the best of whatever comes your way.
Being damned furious is good to do and get it out of your system. Anybody who tells you to avoid this is wrong. The power comes because you can do that and then use the word ‘AND’. So you can be furious, and you can also feel better doing it, and you can also have different feelings that come with it. The problem is that when you shut down the first one you shut down all the rest which include good ones.
So if you can stand this long over-complex (by my standards, and I’m kind of mad about how I wrote this) paragraph good on you and keep at it and have a great day.
You need to get some further help with coping skills. Have you looked in your area for TBI survivers groups or services that cator to TBI rehab. I was a fire pisser before my TBI an d I can still piss fire now but we all have limits an d I think that once you learn some new strategies and coping skills you can get in more productive days.
I get it dude (the anger / rage)
hartcreek, Thanks-I’m fine now as far as anger. don’t know if its cause I’m getting older or just tired. But with a TBI sometimes my responses don’t make sense or just everything that goes with TBI. I got hurt 30yrs ago and I know theres nothing left for me to do other then try and keep my head up and stay positive. A lot of the issues I felt I overcame in rehab are coming back. If you think about it, makes sense people struggle as they get older even if there is no TBI so this is my cross to bear. Just trying to be the best Dad possible feels like that’s all I have to offer.