bil.bil,
It appears to me you are beginning to face denial, which goes with the territory of a head injury. Denial can go two ways, either by getting through the problem by tuning out or by ego inflation. Usually a big ego is belligerent and can strong-arm people. In agriculture it is expressed in being bullies, who make no apologies and who order people around, which sometimes can explode into rage if the orders are not carried out immediately. The ego is involved with getting what people in agriculture need and usually they will not compromise. Also, in your agriculture background, you may notice a proud behavior and even a combativeness, so as to get the job done. There is something about agriculture that everything is a contest of wills.
You may be up against a psychological warfare, taught in the agriculture business. It is survival and within agriculture is this violence to survive within nature’s harsh environment. Your brain injury, therefore, may be communicating a weakness and naturally this may make your pride feel crushed. Rather than risking your pride being hurt by anymore you may feel the need to withdraw and the irony is people do not understand who you are here. What may be felt as weakness, your brain injury, may also communicate aggression and then this avalanches on top of you. Naturally you do not want to resort to violence because you do not want violent conflict with others. It appears to me this violence, denial, and your agriculture background is making you withdraw and fearful something more is going to overwhelm you.
Being obsessed with defending yourself from being overwhelmed and from potential threats of your environment — that is, from whatever you see as violence — will also exclude the good. Because of your brain injury and this programming in your subconscious mind this is extremely hard to sort out. The environment may become more dangerous, then the result may become this place where you project your fear and aggression onto others. Everyone and everything then becomes more dangerous. You may feel your mental connections going haywire, the madman is attacking, and you may feel the need to curse. This craziness makes no sense and the violence may make you feel terrified, as you may feel overwhelmed and then it is within you.
What I recommend is finding someone or a support group who can help you simply to master your mind. It is finding this place where your weakness becomes okay and you can learn to let go of your aggressive impulses. It appears to me this withdraw is keeping you safe from the violence of your background and yet appears to be creating impulses that are overpowering your mind. Your brain injury cannot sort it out and you may feel there is no longer this ability to identify with anything or anyone. Yet for some reason, with a brain injury and because of denial, this creates withdraw and does not create self-confidence.
Courage is your greatest ability within you, which is also taught in agriculture. Courage is fearlessness and it is not defying fear or taking the bull by the horns. Real courage is more this inner strength and this inner support. It naturally arises as you need it, just like the courage horses have when they are working cattle. So I recommend pulling up memories of a good horse you have worked with and feel the solidness and unfolding this horse offered you. Let your horse work for you and allow yourself to accept the not-knowing of your environment. Acceptance will also help break this denial, opens doors, and courage gives you the ability to walk through the doors.
My background is agriculture and I am a workaholic and a rageaholic. And if you need help sorting this out please try to face this denial, ask for help if you need it, and if you feel this aggression that appears to be overpowering your mind this could be your mind trying to master the real world. Now with a brain injury you may simply need to learn to become the master of your own mind by asking for someone in person who can help you sort this out. I am sorry it is not easy because of your background.
As I have said, you have an overwhelming situation both with your head injury and your background and yet you also have this ability to clarify your boundaries. There appears to be a key within you to understand the whole and falling off the fence maybe after all could be a new discovery. We all need this from you. I give you a thanks for being here and learning to accept ambiguity and uncertainty.
PS: Notice how ambiguity and uncertainty may make you feel like nothing to hold on to or believe in. If so this may be what is causing withdraw, so as not to be overwhelmed by the outside world. This creates overheated mental associations and the brain cannot sort it out. Then denial speaks either with aggression, withdraw, or not-looking, so to break this trap is your courage. Truly your gift to humanity will be your ability to sort out boundaries and not attempting to do the impossible, but only understanding what you have understood before.