Hello Lost Soul, welcome. You've come to the right place.
Everything you have described is pretty normal for us. I'm still dealing with the neurofatigue (which makes you sleep 14 hours a day and tire out after the simplest tasks), dizziness, headaches, and memory problems. I had my TBI 3 years ago slipping on black ice and cracking the back of my skull on concrete.
-- First of all, I want you both to take it easy on yourselves...and MAKE others do the same. This is a hugely dramatic life change for you both, and with it is going to carry a lot of grief, sadness, anger, and frustration as she relearns to do things.
-- You are both on the same team. Your wife is feeling every bit as confused, upset, and worried about how to fix it and under tremendous emotional pressure like you are because you both love someone who has been hurt and there is nothing more awful than watching someone you love suffering. In this case, that loved one is your beloved wife and her own beloved self. Try to direct your anger and frustration at the TBI and never each other.
-- Trust what she says. If she says she can't do something or is unsure about something, trust her to be telling you the truth. The worst part about this from my experience is that people flat out never listen and try to override your best judgement. We get the "Oh, come on, just a little more!" and the "You could do it yesterday, why not today?" and the "I KNOW you can do it, do it yourself!" a lot. Symptoms come and go in severity, so if she can do it one day and not the next, that's normal and to be expected.
-- There's going to be a lot of mishaps, dropped balls, and misunderstandings. Things are going to go all to pot occasionally. Take time out when you're ready to blow and go find a quiet spot to relax. Shake the stress from your muscles, breathe, fix it, remind yourself this is normal, and move on.
-- Be prepared for a huge lack of understanding. That's going to be par for course from doctors, friends, family, and whatnot. Brains are still quite mysterious and NOBODY knows how it works. You're going to encounter well-meaning and not-so-well meaning people who will give you a lot of unasked for advice, bunk, lectures, and dump their emotions on you and your wife. They will constantly try to push you past your limits or berate you both to do this or that or whatnot...do not let them. They can and will severely burn you out and put your wife in danger and hurt your feelings. Keep your boundaries solid and thank them but tell them you will be following your medical team's advice.
-- At this time you're going to find out who your friends and family really are. I hate to say this, but we often lose a lot of people we thought were friends and it hurts. Let yourselves grieve and remind one another that you have each other and cherish those people who stay. Do not waste energy on people who aren't willing to say "I don't understand what you are going through, but I don't have to. I'm here for you."
-- LET THEM HELP. Remember as a caretaker to make yourself priority. When you need time off, call on the friends and family you trust and then make relaxation for yourself a priority. In our country we're very independent and hard working people, so asking for help and relaxing is really hard for most of us. That's gonna take a lot of time and training to get comfortable with, but it's really, really important you get a network of various people to share the workload between you all with the doctor's appointments and things.
-- Doctors really do very little about that brain and yes, they are useless. Focus on getting your wife to practical application type specialists that work directly on retraining functions. Neuropsychologists, speech therapists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, and hunt for those who specialize in TBI's. This forum is a good place to start.
-- It sucks not knowing what the future will hold, but always that no matter what happens, that she can still have a 100% wonderful life. It might not be the same life she once knew. She might not regain the full span of her previous abilities. But a new normal will emerge, new solutions will be found to your problems, and it WILL get easier over time. Practice relaxation...it's going to be a necessary help. Things will may be different, but they can still be amazing. Believe it or not, I am happier now than I ever have been in my life even though I am differently-abled.
I'm running out of energy to keep typing, but if you have any specific questions, please don't hesitate to ask. This place has been a lifeline for me in terms of information and support. Really good bunch of people here with good advice.
You are not alone.