Jenni,
You write about falling into depression and your husband is not encouraging you, even putting you down. You express you had a fight last night and you express you do not know what to say to him or what to say right now. “I’m lost”, you express. Depression and despair is usually in reference to ourselves or in reference to others, as you know. Hopelessness, another word for depression, makes us feel cut off from life, again you know this. For some reason depression can fill us with self-hatred for ourselves and others, as you know. Depression and despair can be a crushing negative self-consciousness and I am sorry you appear to be experiencing this torment.
You speak of going to counseling and this may help, yet the movement of finding better communication is not going to create a simple on-off switch to the emotions involved. Counseling may offer break-troughs, but it is rare it can be counted on. Counseling may offer clarity, but we usually return to this deep state of reactivity, self-alienation, suffering, and self-destructiveness. In short we are all caught in the web of illusions and self-defeating patterns that make up our relationships. A marriage brings out reactivity, self-destructiveness and down at the bottom of the pit compulsivity or addiction. Also, as you know, we cannot change anyone else and sometimes love cannot even change people. Relationships can even get into this law of the jungle and the doctrine of survival of the fittest, which can give men the rationale to use force when it suits their end.
We are dawn to others because we need to overcome our alienation from ourselves and others. Depression, then, communicates how we are missing out on many important aspects in life, particularly relationships. Then on top of this a person with a brain injury deals with lush emotions, like we are in a rare orchid that keeps us locked up into a hothouse — a hothouse of self-absorption. Simply speaking, I highly doubt a counselor is going to communicate this to you and if the counselor does it never makes up for the many deprivations. Also maybe your fighting is because emotions are lush, overripe and you may feel this unsavory state. Then with your brain injury you may feel this place where you cannot admit how you feel deprived because your brain cannot admit how it may make you feel deprived of contact with life. This is sad and then a new source of anxiety says you cannot attain your hopes and your dreams. I am so sorry for this pain and suffering if this is what you are feeling.
If you feel the fighting was a waste of time and fills you with self-contempt, let it go. If you feel the unworthiness to be loved by anyone, let it go. If you are feeling the worthlessness as a human being, let it go. If you feel delusional thinking and with no ray of hope, let it go. If you feel permanently defective and convinced others regard you the same, let it go. If you feel no self-confidence and no hope that you will ever be able to acquire any, let it go. If you feel this chasm of inner darkness opening up inside, like a black hole draining life out, again, let go. If you feel this hopelessness plaguing you and you are unable to shake yourself free of it, let go. What I am saying is let go of feeling tormented, let go of this feeling of alienation, let go if life is mocking you, and let go if you feel the failure to love. Let go of these self-accusations that appear to be cutting you deeply. Every moment of the day, let go of all feelings of depression and despair. Let go of what appears to be your tormented consciousness — let go, let go, let go, let go.
Fear will make you feel you cannot let go and yet you are only letting go of this place of torment. In a sense letting go is learning to release this place of being “told” who we are not and discovering this place that is life-enhancing. Letting go opens doors and allows this hidden depths to become true from within. Letting go is a meaning beyond and gradually creates this courage to live within your limitations. Letting go communicates wholeness and gradually accepts the good and the bad. Letting go creates the genuineness of feelings and this willingness to be touched by pain if it is the authentic thing to do. Letting go offers this place where the opposites are funny and deeply touching, even this place to shake your head in amusement about life.
Letting go is a work of art and will create a successful relationship with yourself and everyone. Letting go will create this flow, like a leaf on a river. The flow creates this release from this relentless tug of self-absorption. The flow allows this inner peace and a place to act on principles rather than moods. The flow on the river allows us to let go of this particular identity and let go of this feelings of longing, of bittersweet romance, of loss, and other unbalanced feelings. The river moves beyond beliefs and concepts and moves into this direct experience of who you are. The river drops these particular images or ideas we have and helps to create this creative intelligence and a self that is an aspect of the creative flow. You simply learn to rest in being true to yourself.
I also recommend Eckhart Tolle who teaches the power of NOW. The now has lots to do with getting on the river and the river teaches us to let go. Also if you can find a counselor who can teach you how to filter this raw material of your life experience, go for it. However, most counselors do not understand how a head injury person feels alienated and depressed from themselves and others. They do not understand the intense consuming self-hatred this creates and if they do understand it I highly doubt they will teach you to let go every moment of your day. Yet if you feel this need for a counselor to get started in letting go of depression and despair, go for it. I just recommend you have no grandiose expectations from a counselor, even for better communications skills, as my experience counselors can create more feelings of shame and being misunderstood.
What I am trying to imply is letting go becomes a journey of inner healing and then it becomes not the whole picture. Rather it becomes just this place to begin, over and over and over, which offers hope in the living hell of hopelessness. The river becomes this tremendous support and allows this place without being swept away with emotional reactions. Some how the river opens the heart, just like love, and compassionately connects us to the truth. It allows this ability to remain present to potentially painful experiences and realizations — all in a simple act of letting go.
PS: If I overwhelmed you with self-doubt and emotional vulnerability I am deeply sorry. I do not mean to add to your pain and suffering, as maybe try to feel the good and beautiful within you and to allow yourself to love yourself and treat yourself gently.
