Help please

General
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1

Hi again everyone,

How are you all doing?. I have been trying to log in for goodness knows how long. But I am sure to be here, I must remember to click on the remember me thingy.

Things have moved on considering prior, I now live with my partner. Adjusting to a new routine is challenging but I am determined to succeed.

I still get depressed on a regular basis, always have throughout the years. I am trying to work out how to make friends out in the outside world.

I just seem to be stuck in a cycle of cleaning, shopping and cooking. This may sound like what am I on about as that is called living. But before I moved life seemed more adventurous. Does anyone know what I mean by this?.

Please someone let me know that I am not going crazy?.

Also my mood can frequently change like positive one minute then anxious the next.

I always thought throughout the years that there was some thing better out there than my current circumstances. How can I remove this false belief?. I believe this is the cause of my suffering.

I hope some one understands me.

All the best.

2

Hey Danielle,
Despite what you may think at times, NO!! you are not going crazy!!!
For myself, I had (HAD) a role in life. I was working in a field I enjoyed and no two days were the same, then the wheels fell off my little wagon and life as I knew it vanished and now I seem to be treading water, going nowhere fast. I do try to vary things, to change things up a bit, but I either take on too much or that change exhausts me too much and the following day I fall into a heap, trying to recover from yesterday. People talk about ‘pacing self’ and I’ve been doing that and I thought I was doing that quite well, but each time I try to step it up a bit, ohh I pay for it. It seems I need to set and keep a routine, anything outside of that routine and I end up bedbound and, personally I find this REALLY frustrating. I know that I should know better than to be setting expectations too high, but I don’t consider those expectations to be ‘too high’, but it seems my body does. So it seems I have to get used to just doing the minimum and I hate it. My wife tells me “Don’t do too much…” but then what’s ‘too much’? For me any variation seems to be too much. So life has become boring and mundane and stuck in routine. That’s not the life I knew, nor the life I want. But it seems I have no choice. grrrrr
So yes, I do understand and If you are indeed going crazy then so am I.

Merl

3

Danielle,

My response is to the following from what you wrote, “I always thought throughout the years that there was some thing better out there than my current circumstances. How can I remove this false belief?. I believe this is the cause of my suffering.” There appears to be tremendous insight/awareness from you with these words. Suffering, for me, can be from being “told” who I am not, emotional torment, consuming self-hatred, depression, alienation, unrealistic expectations, self-sabotaging thoughts, anger and aggression. For me, when I identify with my woundedness to much or I dwell on my sense of inner deficiency I can make a lifestyle out of this suffering. This belief gets me caught in emotional reactions and then more beliefs about my deficiency. I construct my identity out of it. This makes me feel like an outsider, never belong anywhere, and I can even make stories up about this belief. The result is emotional storminess and reactivity.

For me I have had to find this place where my emotions are balanced. I have had to find this place where I am affected by my experiences but not swept away by them. This takes a certain amount of compassion to connect to the truth and allow this to be my support in what feels unfulfilling. This truth seems to open the heart, feel more natural and more expansive as a human being. My heart is better able to embrace life without being “storm tossed” by every feeling.

For me it has been learning to balance my emotions and not get “storm tossed” by my emotions. I have had to learn to move from a state of consciousness to a stage of consciousness. This stage feels empty or like a feeling of nothingness, no value. Yet, when I can hold my emotions balanced the stage of consciousness is like participating in humming or singing. The stage allows this opening to impressions from the environment without self-consciousness. The raw material of life or the boring material of life becomes this work of art. The stage allows experiences to be transformed into beauty and life becomes something higher.

For me to move into this stage of consciousness has been lots of letting go of the damage of my past. It has been learning to use all my experiences to grow. The stage is starting to offer acts of kindness rather than my desire to antagonize people and ruin their peace of mind. Also this stage of consciousness is hard to describe, like a center of gravity and it is a higher consciousness, yet it is not the same thing as living in it. Everything just holds its place.

This stage of consciousness is a meaning beyond, is acceptance, serenity, courage, truthfulness, equanimity, sobriety, and non-attachment. It feels like one enormous creative dance, everything holds its place, and the dance becomes this flow. This is to say there is quality in your words and appears to be something more for our growth as human beings.

Your presence is significant.

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Sorry for the late reply,

It is very reassuring that I wasn’t going crazy even though I felt like it. I agree about routines that seem some times an obstacle. I did an exam this morning, feeling like I am moving forward at a slower pace.

I will keep pushing myself forward.

5

You are very right, I dwell way too much on the negatives so it becomes my lifestyle. I try not to though. I do have a positive list I must keep looking at practicing. Although comparing my life with a successful person seems to dampen my spirit down.

Thank you so much for giving clarity on this.

Take care.

6

Danielle, I have to say here, something I have learnt is trying to compare is impossible and doomed to fail every time. Ask yourself this instead if a “successful person” had been through what we have, where would they be. I do wonder sometimes, I doubt some of the people I considered to be the strongest I knew could have actually managed this. In fact I personally know of one who didn’t cope very well at all and their injury was minimal in comparison.
We’re doing OK, sure it’s a challenge, but we’re OK

Merl

7

I get some value knowing that everybody has the problems I have, like yours. It isn’t unique to survivors. YES we have unique problems, don’t get me wrong. It is just that we also have a lot of things that everybody has too. I get too caught up feeling like I am unique, and that makes me feel alone and isolated, and frankly pretty depressed.

So that is one thing that I do.

You are normal and mentally healthy. You are like everybody.

The thinking that get me into so much trouble cannot be used to get me out of trouble. So I try to question my thoughts and feelings. Even if it is just for 5 seconds, just to stop for a second and really questions it, it can change so much. And some times it doesn’t but atleast I know then if it is worth getting upset about or not. And sometimes it is, and sometimes not.

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It is good to know this Merl. Thank you.

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I find that if I delay my reaction things can be prevented. I am still working on it practicing being at peace. I am a great fan of your logic Occipital. :slight_smile:

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