So having problems with a bulging disc and pinched nerve in my neck. So Ive been going to PT to try and not have a surgery. Terrible morning 36 degrees and rainy. I have not been allowed to drive in over 16 years. So me and my service dog walked in the rain to only find out they canceled my appointment…She apologized. I dont care what she has to say…Im fuming its been hours. Just yesterday I spoke to my shrink about how no one understands how hard my life is…These thing get me so angry with rage I cant let it go…My dog understand and was trained to help. So I get a smelly wet dog trying to help, and I could care less. He smells like a wet dog! I have smell problems. Hes wet, I have sensory problems. I cant stand this feeling. Now I will stay in for days afraid that someone or something will set me off and I will lose control…I hate this life, everything is a pain in the ass!
I don’t know why but it seems we have days where everything conspires against us, it all adds up and BOOM. For me it’s never one thing that irks me, but more a combination of events. One day someone asked me the time and I flew off the handle. My mind was elsewhere, in a dark place, cursing the world and everybody in it and at that very instant ‘What’s the time?’ was the very last thing I was thinking and my cup, it overfloweth (All over her). I was so embarrassed afterwards, she wasn’t the problem. I was, it was my problem.
I now try to identify when I can see myself overloading. That overload can be anything from bright light to load noise. It can be to much motion (like traffic flow, city streets) or a mental overload or emotional overload OR it can be any combination of the whole lot. But when my cup is full, adding more gets a reaction. If I can see it and stop it, I do. Sometimes a simple change in focus can help. If something keeps rolling over and over in my mind I might go and watch silly cat videos on Youtube, or search for a totally unrelated topic. Sometimes a change of environment, for me just get out of the house. I have a decent yard so inside to outside (weather permitting). I have other outside things I can and should do. Me, I need to find that ‘something else’ to occupy my mind, because the more I think about it the more frustrated I get, the more scrambled my mind gets and I lash out. I don’t lash out physically, but my tongue could rip shreds off a carcass at 20 paces. Diverting my mind can help calm things.
Now, dogs. I have a little mutt here too. My wife is ‘very’ pet orientated and she has jackets and raincoats for the damn mutt (I say ‘damn mutt’ but I’d be pretty lost without him) I thought she was a bit of a crazy dog person, but you only need to get caught once in the rain to know.
We went to a designated ‘Dog Park’ one day and it rained. We had the car and got the dog in the car before we got too wet. Someone else at the park pulled out a garbage bag from their pocket. They’d cut a corner out of the bag, for their dogs head to fit through, and split all the way along the opposite side, so it hung over the dogs back, so the dog could still toilet easily. It was a simple, cheap and efficient raincoat. Get to your destination, rip the neck of the ‘jacket’ and throw it in the garbage. I won’t say the dog was dry, but it was a lot drier than had they not had it. It’s something you could easily slip in your pocket and you’ve got it for those ‘Just in case’ moments.
Thanks Merl, everything you wrote I keep in check and keep away from all those triggers. Thats why life is so boring and mundane. I did not blow up at the girl who scheduled it wrong. But here I am well over 24 hours and Im still very angry. I cant let it go. Im so sick and tired of people not listening, understanding or having empathy for how difficult my life is.
Its just me and my service dog, no help in my life so everything is a big deal.
Im sure if I had blown up at her I would feel no better than I do now…
I am happy I said very little. She told me she cancled the wrong day. All I said was do you know its a mile and a half walk here, and its pouring rain.
Im so trapped and alone and feel like I never get a break…Its incidents like this that just puts a spotlight on how my life sucks! I dont expect to heal anymore, Im a realist, just wish people could just understand I guess…I have an appoinment tomorrow and I dont want to go, but then I dont want to have any surgery!
How close to services are you? I know very little regarding AZ, other than desert. Do you have local health services available?? There may also be telephone services that can assist in some way.
I’ve been in a similar place. I got stuck in a downward spiral and everything was against me. I got what I call the “Poor Me’s” which only perpetuated the spiral. I seemed to be falling from one catastrophe to another. I tried to drink it away, drug it away, I even tried to physically run away from it all. The problem was, as the song says “Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you…” and I did. I ‘metaphorically’ would carry all of this baggage of negativity. I’d open the baggage up and bash myself with the contents. I found I had to make my own ‘break’.
Then it’s up to you to make the change. I did some volunteering, started off once a week, helping at a drop-in community centre. Just a couple of hours a week. It was helping others, so benefits all round. Find something that interests you, something that occupies your mind.
I can remember the day, I can remember where I was when I decided I needed to make a change. I could keep treading water, only just keeping myself afloat or I could deal with that ‘baggage’, put it to one side and do something about moving forward. I may make that sound like an easy task. It was not.
I’m in Australia, so my knowledge of the U.S. medical system is less than nil. Here we have universal healthcare, in very basic terms that means, if you need it, you can get it, via the public system at no cost. Some people do have private healthcover or insurance and they can have a ‘better’ room or ‘better’ food in a nicer hospital, but often it’s still the same dr as public hospitals have.
Part of the public system here is the auxiliary services, the aftercare services.
Initially, after the craniotomy, after the primary recovery, I had this mental hangover. I couldn’t seem to get over the fact that they’d chopped my skull open, gone inside, poked around and then put it all back together. They then just say ‘All fixed’ ??? FIXED, I was an unmitigated mess and they say ‘FIXED’ I had to find a way to deal with it all. I spoke to the neuro’s at the hospital who put me in contact with a psych via the hospital system. I had to learn to accept this new version of me and I needed to ask for help to do that. The easiest thing for me is to fall back into that hole, but I also know how hard it is to crawl out of that dark hole.
I am NOT 100% happy with this ‘new version’. I want the ‘Old Me’ back. I had aims, I had goals and I was meeting my milestones to reach those goals and then ‘BOOM’ and we end up here. I tried to force my recovery make it happen quicker or more or better and it only caused me more angst and agony. I need to break things down into their simplest form and deal with simple parts rather than the whole, overwhelming task. My aims now are ‘just get through today’.
I went to a wedding yesterday. I didnt stay long. My service dog was attacked. I cant even function. Dog didnt blead. people say he way trembling I couldt stop a thing just kept yelling for help.
That’s a terrifying situation to be in, not sure how I would have reacted. The dog doesn’t need to bleed, any such interaction can make a dog scared to interact with anybody. And at a wedding? was it another guest’s dog? You say yours is a service dog, does it have a marked vest? Here service dogs often have a bright coloured vest, it identifies the dog as a ‘working dog’. Some people know, if the dog is wearing their vest, leave them alone (No patting). I say ‘some’ because there is always someone who thinks they need to pat the dog.
Many years ago I had a client with a sight impairment, she had a vision assistance dog. I would take him for a walk, run around the park and tire him out, but as soon as that vest went on, he was in work mode. His whole persona changed with the vest.
I am still not over it, nor is my dog…It was a casual wedding for two people in their 70s. It was at a small towns bar with all there friends. The music and dancing was all inside. So you will find me far away. That was outside, yes smokers but not loud noise!
We were ready to leave, I was going inside to go to the bathroom as we live north a good half hour away. My dog goes everywhere with me, yes even public bathrooms. We didnt even make it to the door and my dog was attacked from behind. I was able to get it off him once, then I froze and blacked out. All I remember is screaming for help. People jumped in to stop the dog. My nerves are still shot days later. My dog is acting strangely also.
Ranger was professionally trained for me and my problems. When he is working he has a red vest on. It says " Service Dog" “DO NOT PET” and if your to close it reads " not all disabilities are visible"
Yes to pet my dog hes vest is off. 99.99% of the time that is at home.
I do not understand why someone with such a dog would have it in public, and not holding the leash? Im am thankful he was not hurt. But I try and live a little go out of my comfort zone and its either people and now other peoples animals ruining not only my day but for days on end. I am petrified to be in public now! Ive talked to my shrink numerous times, and yes I have to push through this. This morning we have PT and a long walk their and back. I am afraid we well see or cross paths with another dog.