Hey everyone Happy New Year.
Anyway onto my topic here.
For a while now Iāve been feeling pretty apathetic, disappointed, and bored with life in general I guess?
Iām used to being angry. Or sad. Or whatever. This is just sort of melancholy borederling disinterest at lifein general?
I have a lot more free time recently I have no idea how to fill.
I finished this huge all summer/part of fall cleaning project.
I spent so much time on. Which is good. But free time I have no idea what to do with.
I broke up with my boyfriend because I realized we didnāt want the same things at all. I actually feel so much better without all that drama and such. But wow relationships take so much time and work. Time I now have to fill. Lol.
I donāt know. Iām not complaining! Trust me. Itās actually really awesome because for the first time in over three years I donāt feel like everyday is a battle for survival as long as I stay in my little box.
Thatāsā¦Kind of the problem though. I have more free time. But my list of āyou can do this but not thatā hasnāt changed at all.
I donāt know how to deal with I now have more free time but still canāt do anything with my life right now, any time soon, probably ever.
Iām not really sure how to explain any of this. It just feels so weird. Okay wierd. Itās not bad really. Iām just not used to it.
I feel like I should get a hobby or something honestly. But I canāt do very much which limits things.
And itās hard to really bother to try anything because overall itās like I should be happy with this. So Iām bored and canāt drive or work. Itās fine. I should be grateful everyday isnāt a battle anymore. I should be quiet and be glad about it all. I think the phrase is donāt look a horse in the mouth? Or something. Like donāt complain about good things I think it means.
Iām not sure what Iām asking. Anyone else get what I sort of mean?
Hey Caitlin[quote=āCaitlin, post:1, topic:360ā]
Anyone else get what I sort of mean?
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Hell yea, that āā¦disinterest in lifeā¦ā is a common theme to me. I had a job I enjoyed, I had friends I could socialise with, I had a life. And the familiar word in all this is HAD. This has all evaporated, so now all thatās left is a void filled with melancholy. I try to break my day up with a bit of housework, a bit of online time, a bit of TV. I have a couple of mutts, they need exercise (and so do I lol ) so I take them for walks but the hot weather (35C+) restricts this a bit as the heat knocks me around badly. So, like you I stay within my little box. But they tell me that this isnāt healthy either. HEALTHY?? hell, nor am I. So we learn to manage the best way we can, for ourselves.
Iāve signed up to an online learning course and when Iām able, I do a bit, Iāve completed a couple of courses. But what should take a couple of weeks to complete has taken a couple of months. I used to be very active and get so very frustrated with myself and the world around me that this simply is no longer possible. As Iāve said before I hate the idea of acceptance of my situation but the reality of all of this is that I/we have no @#$%$& choice but to manage the best way we can. This is something I did not want to get used to, but again I/we have no @#$%$& choice. Frustration with life has become ānormalā (if you can call it ānormalā).
So yea, I fully comprehend and understand what you are talking about.
Merl
It appears to me you are expressing how you do not experience any purpose in your life. Work for me provided a purpose and now with my body half dead, life is a disappointment, sometimes anger and resentment. It seems like, for me, it is finding this quiet and this satisfaction just in the ordinary. Yea, naturally my mind has unrealistic expectations, God gets the finger (literally), and then I need to make a lifestyle out of my inner deficiency.
Because I need to learn to be quiet, which I do not fully grasp, is learning to be in clear contact with my immediate experience, a quiet satisfaction in the moment, like a refreshing breeze. It appears this immediate experience is real close to just having this awareness. This quality of awareness in any experience can give satisfying quality. The pleasure becomes the journey. However, awareness to me just feels like a place to begin, to begin, to begin. I naturally I expect more. āConsider the lilies in the field ā they neither toil nor spinā maybe after all is the essential good in life.
And thank you for being resilient in the face setbacks.
Did you ever consider writing children books, humor and special achievement which affirms life for children? You appear to have a richness and wonder which can paradoxically offer meaning to life.
Hugs. Thank you for the reply. Exactly. I used to and still sometimes feel frustrated. Thatās how I spend my days too honestly. If only I could walk my rabbit XD I feel less frustrated overallmostlyjust tired.
I like the lilies quote thank you. I needed someone to thank me for my resilience I didnāt know I did but that means lot.
Kids booksā¦ Hmm. I havenāt every seriously considered that Iām not sure weāre I would even start. Thank you. I actually donāt view myself that way at all but I tend to be hard on myself.Hugs. thank you!
You are going through withdrawl from the boyfriend plus having to deal with your TBI. Best thing is for you to find more to do. I am in the same boat. My four wheel drive is still at the shop and I have so much snow ger I am noit motivated to get into my own shop to work on one of my cars cuz what is the rush since because of the snow I cant get the truck that I also need to work on inside the shop. Fortunately I have inside stuff to get done so I just worn on my list of inside stuff.
I often feel a lot of anger and frustration with my limitationsā¦ So itās really good to like practice a gratitude Journal where you write everything youāre grateful for every dayā¦ That helps meā¦ But also Iām just really thinking about what my body needs and what it can handleā¦ So I have little goals like finishing art for my childrenās book when my body and eyes and carpal tunnel hands donāt hurt too muchā¦ Or if I canāt do that Iāll try to do a little easy exercise like a walk through the hallway of my apartment complex tried chatting with a neighbor that we usually understand each other and we have a lot in commonā¦ Just the little things to try to find the little things you can handle and enjoy. And donāt be afraid to put yourself a tiny bit at a time, youāll find that youāre able to do kind of new things and it can feel really goodā¦ Like Iām lucky enough to be right across the street from the college so Iām taking a class there once a week and it feels good